Monsters Zodiac

I now present my "Monster Zodiac." Find yourself here. Accept what you are. Know what you've given your heart to...

 1. The Creature from the Black Lagoon. This kind of person is comfortable only in their own environment. They are dangerously protective of their home and their political space. Left alone they tend to thrive and be happy. Their gaze can be diverted by an attractive person, but in the end, well, best to steer clear of the home waters, unless of course you happen to be another Creature...

2. The Wolfman. We all know one, or more of these folks. Kind, loving, supportive, polite, thoughtful, generous, concerned and strangely, ineffectually self destructive. All is well and fun until the inevitable lunar event triggers the wrath of Hell itself. A person like this could put your eye out. ...and your lungs... ...all your stuff... The fun thing about these people is once they change back to their kind, loving, concerned selves, they have no recollection of anything that happened when they "wolfed out." They are clueless as to why the survivors are so damn gun shy around them...

3. Frankenstein's Monster. Have you ever know a man or a woman who is secure with a strong friend, but never allows a romance to develop between them? They sleep with a fiery loser. They laugh with a different person. They hold a deep bond with yet another and shares their secrets only with them. Rather than a single relationship with someone, these folks "construct" their relationship needs out of the choicest parts of other people. Not such a bad thing really...

4. The Mummy. Yikes. A past, all consuming love gone horribly wrong scars and programs all the actions of these ghouls for the rest of eternity. God protect you if you find yourself fascinated by one of these and (horrors) successfully revive one! He or she will lumber along seeking that long lost, unobtainable love and kill everything you value along the way. These don't even get along well with other mummies...

5. King Kong. These are okay really. A little defensive at times, but definitely able to take care of themselves. They play hard and work hard and fight the hardest. These kinds of people allowed us to win WWII. Be careful if one falls in love with you. There's only place in their hearts for one person and they will smash down anything that keeps them apart. But really, is that such a bad thing?

6. The Mad Scientist. "It's ALIVE!!!" These kind of folks live to see what happens when you mix this with that and throw in some of those and shoot the whole hellish mess full of as much electrical current as the wires can handle. Sometimes you get the light bulb. Most of the time you get...

7. The Zombie. Go figure... They're fine one day and suddenly all they want to do is eat you. All of you. These folks are created and rarely can they be returned to "normal." They often gravitate toward OCSE offices and can only, sometimes, be controlled by skilled, angry, Mad Scientist attorneys.

8. The Thing (from another world). By the time you figure out this person's motivations, you're looking at your insides on the floor. What's interesting about this kind of person is they can infect you with their dangerous philosophies, until you find yourself becoming just like them. These folks can change shape emotionally and can be found mostly in upper level management, but usually discover themselves dynamited and then frozen in a block of ice until someone else stumbles along with a heater...

9. The Invisible Man. Could be a woman... These are folks who venture into the unknown with the best intentions (curing diseases, inventing a new high tech plunger, inhaling a weird plant, putting a needle in an interesting place) and find themselves completely out of control, dependent, broken, shouting, angry, sad, and strangely, difficult to see coming for some reason. They are all prone to running around in the snow naked.

10. Alien Invaders. These are people who are just hard to figure out. They do things that are just difficult to get your head wrapped around. Questions from survivors are things like, "why did they eat my sandwich from the break room fridge? My name was on it," and "I don't remember loaning them my weed eater, and why did they bother to bring it back broken?" They are out there. They know who they are. They are real. I can hear them giggling...

 

11. Dracula. I'm only being polite to you because I'm not ready to hear the screaming yet." These people live off the energy, resources and lives of others. They also tend to be loyal and good in bed. They can carry on a great conversation some times too. They tend to socialize mostly with other vampires. Against type, these folks do operate in the daytime.   

  

12. And of course, the final sign in our Zodiac is dinner. These are the folks that provide the reason for the other signs to keep on plugging. Sometimes they don't make it past the first reel. Sometimes they somehow make it to the final credits. If they do, they always finish first in the sequel...

       

Make Out List Suggestions - Part 1

For those of you who like to fill the room with love grooves when engaging in "Barry White" mode with your baby, here are my top favorite make out albums. Use caution with these. Combined with certain physical activities the sounds can induce "spiritual connection trauma..." This one is my favorite. soundscapes that sneak into your head and back out again causing an almost opium like rush with the right person. "Oh Earthly Gods," by Govinda. Best when listened to with someone hot in a basement with a large, sectional couch...

"Criminal" by Fiona Apple is an especially dangerous mixture of sounds that can induce sexual road hypnosis. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this material. Smaller pieces of equipment may be operated under appropriate supervision...

Officially endorsed by the Ukranian Board of Female Studies as a Beta State enhancement tool and available in the the Czech republic by prescription only as a fertility drug, "Blue" by Joni Mitchell is an excellent addition to your make out arsenal. Use only as directed by a physician...

Imaginaerum by Nightwish. Be careful with this one. Use only on a THX certified stereo system at medium volume levels, with a partner who is already two martinis in... Trust me, it works real good... DO NOT SPRING THIS ON ANYONE WHO SUFFERS FROM SCHIZOPHRENIA EVEN IF CONTROLLED BY MEDICATION.

"Dark Side of the Moon," by Pink Floyd is a great soundtrack for making out. It seems to encourage blood pressure and heart rate synchronization and definitely causes time and space to compress. Dizziness and disorientation will occur if any interruption to the "session" happens. THC optional... Methyl B12 supplements highly recommended.

Joss Stone's "LP 1" was designed for only one purpose. If your physician has deemed you healthy enough for sexual activity then LP 1 may be right for you. Your pharmacist may deny your Viagra, Cialis or other prescription of that sort if they find out you possess this album as it could cause an unsafe increase in blood pressure.

If you find yourself in the company of an exotic dancer who is inexplicably attracted to you in an off duty, non club setting (granted an extremely rare situation) and they have revealed in conversation over dinner that they "really dig vampire stuff," Type O Negative's "October Rust" will be an indespensible addition to your audio arsenal... Not reccomended for Amish partners as they have problems with electronically recorded music and the complex machinery used to reproduce these sounds.

IMPORTANT! FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY! Steely Dan's "Decade of Steely Dan" is a perfect make out album if you transfer the tracks to a digital player like iTunes, and DELETE the track titled "East Saint Louis Toodle-oo." The author of this reccomendation can not be held responsible for the damage caused to your living room when your perfect encounter is interrupted by this incredibly inappropriate piece of audio birth control... THIS ALBUM IS FOR ADVANCED MAKE OUT ARTISTS ONLY AS IT REQUIRES SPECIAL PLAY BACK INSTRUCTIONS!

Another great artist wrapping up my make out music arsenal is the intense work of my friend Taitano (AJ Sanchez). His music causes zippers to slowly come undone and stubborn bra hooks to snap open as if by some dark magic spell. He recently impressed a lot of people in New York and I expect there will be a number of unexpected pregnancies in that area...

       

An Unsuccessful Boycott...

The Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law, a sexual orientation law and public policy think tank, estimates that 9 million (about 3.8%) of Americans identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (2011). The institute also found that bisexuals make up 1.8% of the population, while 1.7% are gay or lesbian. Transgender adults make up 0.3% of the population.

Of this small percentage of the population, 39% of those polled within the small group admit to strict adherence of vegan dietary restrictions that drastically limits the consumption of chicken and products containing chicken. Of all those polled, a fondness for vanilla handspun milkshakes (cherry and whipped cream optional) was admitted to along with no actual intention to honor any sort of boycott against any company selling such a delicious product, stating that the drive through window would be the best option so as not to be observed purchasing said product by any gay, lesbian or transgendered onlookers who might be sneaking over to purchase one as well. Also of all those polled 3% admitted to using the milkshake as an enhancement of some sort in their various rituals of lovemaking, adding that "it mixes really well with coconut rum."

 

 

 

The Power That Creates The Universe - Thought 22

The Universe is like a beautiful, white tiger with all of it's parts intact. If you approach it with love, innocence, kindness and contribution it will return all of that with the softest place to lay your head you could ever imagine. Approach it with fear and you will get to see its teeth and claws and experience just how fast it can move... Two guys in Vegas play with these everyday and their lives are filled with fortune and joy. One got to discover exactly how the Universe works and how did he react when he was nearly severed at the middle by it? He asked if his beloved tiger was all right and screamed out for its safety before the EMTs carried him to the hospital. Love the world you live in and let it love you back. NEVER for a second concern your heart with the alternative...

 

 

HR Pufenstuff via Lars Von Trier

I just watched the HR Pufenstuff movie with my daughters. My dad would not let me see it when it came out. I never knew why... Having seen it for the first time tonight I have a pretty good idea... It's a deeply disturbing exploration of mental illness... A young boy is bullied by a kid and falls into a marching drum, hitting his head. The rest of this story follows his hallucinatory descent into madness culminating in the horrifying barbecue sequence where a giant tomato worm is slow cooked and fed to witches. Lars Von Trier directed this under the name Hollingsworth Morse... Chilling, bold, visceral film making at its bravest...

 

 

Freedom, Sandwiches, and the Business of Evil

In this politically charged era of debate and heated discussion, I would like to take a brief moment to remind everyone of the role of John Montague, the 4th Earl of Sandwich in the creation of our great nation. We all know of his second greatest invention, the beloved and delicious sandwich. But there is a larger picture to this man's contributions to the world and his first greatest invention, (purely by accident of course), The United States of America. You see, John was reviled in British and European society at large as "the single most immoral man in existence." He was a gambler, womanizer, (possibly a murderer), and practicing Satan worshiper. It was his immeasurable depths of depravity, corruption and ineptitude in his role of the head of the British Admiralty that led to underfunded military naval support and arrogant disregard for intelligence that some upstarts "across the pond" were "going on about, independence from the British Empire, or some such nonsense." As the war for independence in America grew into a bloody reality, again, his preoccupation with personal interests such as gambling (which led to the invention of the sandwich we love and enjoy today), orgies, managing bribes, late night black masses in service to the Dark Lord Satan, raping young women and so forth, afforded him little time to take this whole "American Colonies Mess" seriously. So, when we look at the behavior of our "representatives" (and by "our representatives," I mean, "large corporate money's representatives") in Washington, remember to take a big bite of your delicious ham and cheese or peanut butter sandwich, and smile because a villain was too arrogant and consumed with evil to stop something really cool from happening in the world.

A Couple of Years to Think About It…

My 7 year old daughter asked me a weird question yesterday. She asked me what it was like in Earl World. “You know, daddy, that place you go to when you dream at night…” To be honest, I was shocked by the question and it took me a moment to collect an answer. “Well sweetheart, it’s a magical place about two years behind everyone else’s,” I replied. It was literally the first thing that popped out of my brain.

“It takes me a while to connect some of the dots too,” she replied, shocking me again. “Your dreams are out of date then?” she continued. 

“Yes, but the nightmares are all fresh,” I told her. She knows me and she smiled.

“Maybe you should write those down, or draw pictures of them,” she advised.

Never ignore the advice of a 7 year old girl, especially in financial matters and spiritual choices. So, here we go…

I like to make strange connections, so follow with me on this weird movie review. I love horror films. LOVE them. I love a few more than others, but because I have spent so many hours of life staring at the nightmares of others committed to film, print, video and stage that my sensitivities to gore, harsh world views, and sex (the worst sin in the universal hell that is the horror film collective, punishable by extreme violence for some reason) have evolved to an almost Angel’s eye view of objectivity. 

There’s your warning…

In 2007, Spanish director, Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza unleashed a crazed, found footage style movie on the world called REC (short for Record). It was a claustrophobic, in medias res tale of all hell breaking loose in an apartment complex in the heart of a large city. A news reporter covering a fire station for one of those “closer look” segments you see on the news and her cameraman travel with the squad to an emergency call at the doomed apartment. A virus is loose in the complex and everyone living there quickly succumbs to its horrific infection. Yes, it’s a zombie movie and it’s one of the best I’ve ever seen.

In 2008, American audiences got a nearly identical remake of the Spanish film. Quarantine, directed John Erick Dowdle is an English language version with the same setup involving a reporter, her cameraman, the emergency responder team and the residents of a high rise apartment complex rapidly falling victim to the effects of a horrifying, super-fast acting, viral infection that mutates all the residents into violent, monstrous zombies (of the fast, snarling, flesh eating variety). This one too, as zombie movies and “found footage,” movies go is really well executed and effective as a story.
It’s the sequels to these movies that I noticed something really interesting that creates a weird observation in my brain regarding our popular culture here in America as well as our collective religious views in (America really doesn’t have a collective religious opinion; hang on to that thought) comparison to our European neighbors.

REC 2, released in 2009 and again directed by Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza, is a continuation of the story began in the first film taking place almost immediately in the time frame of the first film. This time, there are explanations for the sinister nature of the virus that cause an American mind to resist the story and a European experience to embrace it. In REC 2, we quickly find out that a dark arm of the Vatican looking for a physical, chemistry based link between infection processes and demonic possession has developed an enzyme that facilitates immediate biological doorways to hell and the human body as well as a possible chemical antidote for the condition. As I watched the film I rejected the concept, but the acting performances sold the idea. The priest in charge of finding the antidote, or at least it’s component parts is very human and has been in the action from before the start of our story and seen enough to no longer have to believe in anything. His faith has been replaced by empirical observation and recordable data and resolved in his experience. His “relics” and carefully delivered religious invocations work (up to a point) and the riot police reluctantly assisting him quickly adapt to the priest’s methods. The theme of defeating evil with more evil not being a very good idea runs hard through this movie. The price for all the meddling is high.

I liked the movie very much. I didn’t buy any of it, but I’m not Catholic and I don’t personally believe in demonic possession and I don’t identify readily with stories of that sort. I like protestant monster movies. Jewish monsters do it for me too. Catholic monsters seem to come with too much window dressing and fancy questions that were put to bed long ago (with Constantine starring Keanu Reeves a big exception).

Quarantine 2, released in 2011 directed by Marc Brienstock is very Protestant (or maybe leaning a little toward Shaker). This story also takes place shortly after the events of the first movie (possibly the same night), but unlike its Spanish counterpart, takes place on an airplane flying away from the city and the airport that the plane is forced to land in. Here, the explanation for the contagion is a terrorist cell developing a fast spreading zombie virus. Now I’m comfortable. My disbelief is surrendered without effort. There are no supernatural forces leaking into our reality via viral infection portals. There is only plain, old fashioned, evil terrorists trying to reshape the world into their own designs using a weapon of mass destruction and pretending to be kind and gentle while doing it. As with REC 2 I liked this one. I thought it was well done and somewhat clever. The performances were excellent with regard to the material. The production design was clever and exploited to good effect. The “found footage” approach was for the most part dropped and we have a crazy, fast paced movie with a couple of good scares and a sub plot for our brains to latch on to for a couple of days after the thing is over.

It was in comparing these two films that my real question began to emerge, and this is relevant…
Why is it the European film with its matter of fact Catholic tones caused me to resist my suspension of disbelief (yes zombies and fast acting, ultra contagious, viral infections that animate their hosts long after the host has died is idiotic any way you tell the joke) and yet the terrorist driven American flick locked into my psyche without a hitch? Looking at the financial numbers generated by REC 2 in Europe it did pretty well for a horror film, as did Quarantine 2 (not good numbers, but some) in the US. I know using two low-budget, little seen genre films as a jumping point for the next concept is pretty lame on the surface but if one looks closely at popular entertainment in greater depth, I’m willing to bet that the pattern will fall into sharp detail. That concept being that religion is in itself scary. In Europe Catholicism is the big dog on the block. It’s established, unified to a large degree, driven by a tight leadership. Even non-believers at heart claim membership in the ranks of the Catholic Church. It is to a very large degree a common experience to the western European soul. I’m just saying that you’d be hard pressed to find someone in Italy, or France, or Greece, or England who’s never heard of it.

Here in America, we have no religious common experience so much as a multitude of religious absolute truths. We have Catholics who hold the absolute truth. We have Protestants who are completely in the right. We have non-denominational churches that are the only ones who are right. We have aggressively outspoken atheist evangelists who are the only ones with the truth. We have real, honest to God Satan worshippers who make fun of all of us. We have comedians and doom screamers. There really is no religious unity nor is there even a dominant religious influence here (despite what conservative and liberal talk show personalities would have you believe) in America. At the end of it all, we worship at the altar of “The First Church of How Do I Put Food on The Table,” and “The Temple of Where Da Cash At.” Oh everyone at some time prays with all their might, but not with a sense of religious community that equals the European Catholic experience… or… the leviathan that is Islam. Wow, now there is an interesting phenomenon… A large mass of unified followers moving in lock step toward geometrical progression of absolute domination of all human presence bringing death and destruction to any who would stand in its way. Intolerant of any individuality, religious deviance, and any intellectual pursuit not directly and immediately serving the architecture of the faith, Islam moves through poverty and riches with the same force.

Did I actually say earlier that zombies and fast acting, ultra contagious, viral infections that animate their hosts long after the host has died is idiotic any way you tell the joke?