A Weird Thing That Happened at Bud's Subs


    Rick was angry.  His eyes burned as they absorbed the numbers on the pair of weekly expense reports.  The numbers on the green display of the large button calculator he used had to be wrong.  He had to have entered the numbers twenty times, but the result kept coming up the same.  Three thousand dollars!  Three thousand two hundred thirty eight dollars and twenty-five cents was missing!  Rick fought back the oncoming migraine as he stared at the three stacks of papers on the desk before him.  One stack, smelling of garbage and grease and pulled together with a great deal of difficulty from the kitchen trash cans, was most of the cook’s order tickets from the last two weeks.  The second stack was a printout of the total cash register transactions from the last two weeks.  The third was the nightly deposit reports for the last two weeks.  The order tickets that went to the cook were not usually kept, but Rick, acting on a dreadful hunch, had asked Amber and LeVonn not to throw them away and turn them into the office at the end of the night.  He was sorry he’d asked them to do that, now.

     Bud’s Subs was a busy, carry out only sandwich shop on Harrisville’s main strip.  It had ten employees counting Rick, who currently held the headache and ulcer inducing title of Manager.  His opinion of the people who worked for him ran a tight spectrum from “idiot high school acne farm jackoff,” to “evil, soon to be prison bitch, thief.”  Rick had suspected something wasn’t right with his assistant manager Walter for the last few weeks.  And now it looked as though Walt was padding the register.

     The phone rang.

     “Bud’s Subs, this is Rick, how can I help you?”

     “Rick, it’s Walt,” the voice was thin and scared.

     “Hey Walt, what’s up?” Rick asked the bastard.  He wanted to reach through the phone line and strangle him.

     “Dude, I’m in jail, I need help,” Walt pleaded.

     “Really?” Rick asked, suddenly feeling a little better.

     “Yeah, it’s all some kind of mistake.  The cops found some pot, but it wasn’t mine.  This fucker that hangs out at my place sometimes must have left it and my fucking girlfriend never answers her cell phone and these aren’t even my pants, man…” Walter rambled.  Was he crying?  He sounded kind of like he was crying…

     “Walter, slow down.  You lost me on the “pants” thing,” Rick replied.

     “Yeah, man, these pants are tie dyed!” Walt said.  He was crying.

     “Okay, I’m still not with you on the pants thing, but is this your only phone call?” Rick asked.

     “I dunno,” Walt mumbled.

     “Walt, I’ve never been in jail, but on TV people only get one phone call and I get the impression you’re supposed to call a lawyer, or bail bondsman, or something like that.” Rick found himself amazed at the fucker’s ignorance.  Wouldn’t the cops have told him to call one of the people he mentioned?  Didn’t this moron have family here in town?  Maybe he was high…       

     “Look man, they told me I could make a call and this is it!  Are you gonna help me or not?  My balls are killing me,” Walt said thinly, as if to keep someone from overhearing.

     “His balls?” Rick wondered to himself.  Did this have anything to do with the pants that weren’t his?  “Look Walt, I’m in the middle of something here and well, this isn’t a good time…”

     “Dude, are you gonna help me or not?” Walt interrupted, angrily.

     Rick, his mental filters suddenly shorting out asked, “Walt, do you know why Bud’s Subs is short three thousand dollars and change?”

     “Click.”

     Walter hung up.

     Rick stared at the phone for a moment before placing it back in its cradle.  “What the fuck was that all about?” Rick wondered.

     Amber stood at the register and nervously looked down the length of the sandwich shop through the window to the office.  She could barely see Rick in there at his desk.  He was on the phone and he looked upset.  He was upset a lot lately.  She wondered if it had anything to do with Walt, who had not shown up for work in the last two days.  She had gotten high with Walt the night before he went AWOL.  She had done a little more than that too, but she changed the channel as those memories appeared.  She did stuff with guys sometimes, but it was important not to think about it.  It was even more important not to name things.  Verbs move and go away, while nouns hang around and embarrass you.  She didn’t even like the “F” word.  It made her uncomfortable.

     She liked Walt, but he was sort of slippery.  She thought maybe he was seeing another girl.  When you’re crushing on someone you don’t want to imagine what’s around the corners.  Something was wrong, though.  She just knew it.

     The Grim Reaper entered Bud’s Sandwich Shop and took in the delicious aroma that soaked the air.  She smiled broadly.  Humans were capable of great things and this smell was among them.  She looked at Amber who was standing at the cash register, nervously twining a strand of her hair around her fingers and staring down the hall at the window to the office.

     The Grim Reaper was suddenly aware of Michaela standing next to her.

     “Are you here for her?” Michaela asked, gesturing toward Amber.

     The Reaper looked at her friend and smiled gently.  “I’m here to take part of her I think.  Not her entire soul, but a piece of it.”  Her face suddenly went eerily blank.  “I suspect it will be very painful for her.”

     “I’ll fill the void you create.  Everything will work out.”  Michaela assured her.  She looked down at the Reaper’s beautiful hands.  “I love your polish,” she said.

     “Thank you.  It’s new.  I like it, too,” she returned.  “Your polish is lovely, too.  Star Field Number Three?”

     “It is,” Michaela replied, smiling.

     “Eternity Black,” the Reaper said, wiggling her fingers.  Returning to the dark business at hand, she redirected her gaze to Amber.

     Amber turned her head from the window down the hall and resumed closing out the register.  She carefully pulled the register tape, separated, counted and organized the cash, rolled the coins and placed everything in its’ appropriate bags.  She balanced out the transactions and prepped the night deposit slip.  She was a dime over, but remembered the customer responsible for the extra dime that ran out with his order unconcerned about his change.  She jotted a note about the incident for Rick, bundled the whole thing together and started toward the office.

     In mid stride, at the command of angels, time froze in Amber’s personal universe.  The Grim Reaper and her colleague Michaela surrounded their newly created statue.

     “Ready?”  The Grim Reaper asked.

     “Oui,” Michaela said.

     With a wave of The Reaper’s hand, Amber’s blouse and bra dissolved away.  The Reaper stood in front of Amber, Michaela stood behind the girl.  The Reaper placed a finger in Amber’s forehead and moved it effortlessly in a straight line down to the girl’s belly creating a momentary, resealing, wake of separation in Amber’s flesh.  A vaporous force the color of burning innocence escaped from the spiritual opening, hovering for a moment in space before disappearing completely.

      At the same time, Michaela, holding her left hand cupped and palm up, penetrated the girl’s back, square between the shoulder blades.  A small fiery glow began to grow in Amber’s chest.  Michaela removed her hand.  The fire grew quickly, spreading throughout Amber’s entire body.  Unable to contain the light, her body became translucent, as brilliant hues danced about within her.  The beauty of it all pulled tears from both angels.  They stood back and looked at the girl.

     “Elle est changee,” Michaela said, solemnly.  “Non seulement survivra-t-elle, elle regnera,” she added.     “She will,” The Reaper replied.

     “Retournez-la des vetements et liberez le temps,” Michaela whispered, then vanished away leaving only her love.

The Grim Reaper studied her work.  The girl’s skin was now slightly darker than before. Her body would from this moment on ask questions, that only death could ultimately answer.

     The Reaper then willed the fabric of heaven to open, and vanished into its light like her friend.  There was, as always a great deal of work to do.

     Amber approached the door to the office suddenly feeling really weird.  She was kind of dizzy and her stomach felt as though it were floating.  A nearly uncontrollable urge to touch her nipples grew within her.  Confused, she fought the feeling back.  She continued her short journey to the office.



E.H.

Knight to Bisop



Upon pondering the state of Creation at zero point, a thought entered the consciousness of The Power That Creates The Universe:  "Under what conditions could an entity exist, completely without Me?"

     Bishop Charlie Ellis of the First Consecrated Church of Holiness sat in his usual booth at Henry’s Pool Bar and Grill.  Wearing the booth, he ran a circle with a finger of his left hand around the rim of a tall glass of water with lemon while holding his father’s open NIV Holy Bible with the right.  The bar was dark, so he used a small reading light with a bookmark attachment.  It was Friday night and the bar was fairly full.  Amid the clamor of people trying to get drunk or laid or both, Bishop Ellis studied Matthew Chapter 4.   As if transported back in time to the very event of Christ’s temptation, Bishop Ellis was unaware of the people in the bar around him.  This passage had always troubled him.  Something about the incident had always failed to reveal itself.  In the story, Jesus goes into the desert.  He hasn’t eaten for forty days and nights and the devil shows up and asks why Jesus just doesn’t turn the stones on the ground into bread.  Jesus tells him his quest is one of the spirit, not flesh.  It’s not about hunger.  Then the devil transports Jesus to the top of a tall temple and dares him to jump off.  The angels will protect him from the fall.  It would be a cool miracle.  Just trying to help…  Jesus tells the devil that it’s not right to test God.  Then the devil does something really odd, as far as Bishop Ellis can read, he transports Jesus to the top of an enormous mountain, shows Jesus all of the kingdoms of the earth and everything of beauty and splendor within it and offers it all to Jesus.  The catch is, Jesus has to worship the devil.


     Bishop Ellis looked at Jesus.  “Why would he make such a stupid deal, Lord?  Does he think you’re crazy from hunger?  Is he just makin’ trouble, playin’ the fool and trying to get on your nerves?” Ellis asked, pointing at the devil.


     The devil, a bit more difficult to put a face to, just grinned at him.


     Jesus did not reply.  He simply continued looking at the devil.


     Bishop Ellis studied Jesus’ hardened face, seeking some clue to the answer there, but finding none.  After all, this was only one of Ellis’ imaginings.  Oh to really have been there…


     “Bishop?” a voice said from the darkness beyond Ellis’ booth.


     Ellis was startled from his fantasy.  “Yes?” Ellis returned.


     “Wow, I thought that was you,” a tall, impossibly beautiful woman in a long, black, leather duster said.  The sparkle of mischief behind the woman's eyes was at once magnetic and threatening;  a mind melting cosmic "Caution," sign.



     “I’ve seen you on TV.  I like your show,” the woman said.


     Bishop Ellis shrugged off the odd feeling in his stomach as hunger (he hadn’t had dinner yet), sat his Bible down on the table, and maneuvered his large frame up and out of the booth he was wearing to greet the stranger.  A shitload of energy invested with no known return…  “Hope you got something out of it friend,” he said offering his hand.

     “Great production values, good camerawork,” the woman said as she shook Ellis’ hand.  “Quite humorous sometimes.  Real entertaining.  You got the gift…”


     “I meant the message, friend.  I hope it touched you.”


     “Not really,” the stranger confessed, smiling broadly.  “The name’s Ferris, Lucy Ferris,” she added, gesturing to the vacant seat in the booth.


     “Please,” Ellis said.  “Have a seat.”


     “I never come in here,” Lucy said.  “But tonight I’m walking by on my way from the office and I just… came in.  Kind of like I was led by the Spirit,” Ferris said, the smile never leaving her face.  Ferris was stunning to look at, projecting happiness from her core like one of those geysers at Yellowstone National Park.  “I don’t really drink, so I looked around and there’s a tall, black, handsome, preacher in his bishop’s collar reading in a booth at the back of the room.  It’s Bishop Ellis from the television show!  That’s just odd, so naturally, I had to come over.”


     “I used to drink a lot.  This place has always been sort of my home.  Henry, the owner helped me out when I was lost.  He’s always held this booth for me.  Drunk or sober, the vinyl don’t care,” Ellis explained, patting the cushioned booth.


     “Doesn’t the noise and the crowd drive you nuts?” Lucy asked.


     “You know, I don’t really notice it anymore.”


     “How come you’re not standing on this table sharing the good word with these drunken bastards?” Lucy asked, not quite mockingly, but close.


     “Now, what good would that do?  One of ‘em gets out of hand, I’ll step in with the bouncer.  One of ‘em starts throwing up, I’ll take ‘em to the bathroom and help ‘em home.  Anyone needs me, I’m right here.  Wouldn’t be the first time.  They don’t really see me.  But I’m here.  Good a place to study the Word as any other, I imagine,” Ellis explained.


     “Any of them ever come to you for some advice?” Lucy asked.


     “That’s what the bartenders are for,” Ellis joked.  “I have been the relief pitcher once or twice.”


     “A hungry man in the wilderness,” Lucy said, looking away.


     “What?” Ellis asked, even though he heard what Lucy had said.


     Lucy continued to stare away at the bar.  After a very long time, she turned to look at Bishop Ellis.  “If you could ask an angel any question, what would it be?”  Lucy inquired, the smile gone.


     Not really expecting a comment like this, Ellis stared at her for a moment.  “Interesting thought.  I do have a question,” he finally replied.  “But, I’m not sure I would run it past you.”  Ellis did not break eye contact.


     “At no risk to your soul, if you met the devil, and could ask one question, what would it be?”  Lucy asked, as the bar around the two seemed to fall away into darkness.
Surprisingly, Bishop Ellis felt no fear as he began to realize who was sharing this booth with him.  “No risk, in any way, huh,” Ellis said.


     “None,” Lucy replied, crossing her heart.


     “In Matthew, Chapter 4, Jesus encounters the devil…” Ellis began.


     “I’ve read it,” Lucy interrupted.


     Bishop Ellis looked Ferris square in the eye.


     “The last offer, control of all the world, well, it just bugs me.  The offer doesn’t make any sense to me.  He was God in the flesh!  Henry owns this bar, I don’t.  It would be like me offering the bar to him.  He’d just look at me like I was nuts!  What am I missing here?”

     “An essay question.  Excellent.  Man, I haven’t had a decent conversation since breakfast this morning.  Okay.  What if you once owned this shitty bar and gave it to Henry?  Not because you liked the guy, but because he kept standing up to you, kept defying you…  And he could kick ass!  He could crush any fucked up drunk in the place.  So, you give him the place, lock stock and barrel!  Henry gets to run the bar, you see, from the floor, the air handlers, the plumbing, the snacks, the idiots that wander in here.  You give Henry authority over the air and the land!  And it’s a shitty job, Bishop.  So one day, you wander back in, hungry and thirsty.  Henry’s actually glad to see you.  You shoot the bull for a while, when Henry says, hey, take the bar back.  Henry knows that you plan on knocking the dump down someday, anyway, and building something different here, even though you gave it to him in the first place.  Henry’s just tired of it and wants you to take the place back.  But he doesn’t want to be left out of the plan.  Besides, Henry’s got some ideas.  If he was in charge but in a different way… but he knows that’s not going to fly.  So, Henry makes an offer anyway.  You should always take a shot, right?”

     Ellis stared at Lucy, not sure what to say.

     “The answer is this, the devil wanted to go in a different direction.  Jesus wasn't the only one being tested.  It’s not like the Bringer of Light is invited to any of the meetings anymore.  Was Jesus trapped by the flesh? Have you ever gone forty days without food and barely enough water keep your blood wet? Hell, try to make it a week sometime, Bishop. Forty days. Wow, 
do the physical urges that drive the container, paint perspective so completely that choice always takes a back seat to survival?  Hell, the universe itself needed that answer.  Aren't bad choices part of the human experience? The macro universal container that holds the very architecture of all things knowable suddenly, with the appearance of some hairless apes, has a dent in it.  Things once known to everything can now be hidden!  You know in part and that’s the point!  Limitations! To build effective strategies you have to find out where the boundaries are.”  Lucy explained, barely controlling her excitement in a way that disturbed Ellis.

     Lucy leaned in close, “but basically, Jesus had wandered into the wrong venue. People do that sometimes, wander into a challenging temple...” she whispered, her words sliding into Charlie's ear and moving through his brain like a heroin injection. The bar came back.  Ellis thought it was an interesting spin.  “You sound like you were there,” Ellis tested.

     Lucy relaxed back into the booth, moved her hands to the table and touched her fingers together to form a cathedral.  “I saw the movie,” she said with a smile that would have given a Hollywood casting director an orgasm.


     “Lucy,” Ellis said, staring hard at his visitor.  “Who are you?”


     A glow appeared in Lucy’s shimmering, beautiful eyes, like an ember from a distant nuclear explosion suddenly stopped by some unseen force.  “Environmental Management,” she said, the smile never relaxing.  “Consultant work, mostly.  I have my own company.  I’ve never liked answering to anyone.”

     As Lucy talked, the music from the front of the bar grew louder.  “Long Way Down” by Robert DeLong was suddenly replacing the very air in the bar.  Lucy was now grooving to the song in her seat, eyes closed, head moving in small controlled motions to the beat.

     "The end, the end, everyone will go away in the end, the end, in the end everything will go" she sang along, never breaking her supernatural stare into Charlie's soul.

The music was taking possession of Lucy and it pulled her to her feet. Charlie wasn't sure they even touched the ground. He looked a little closer. They didn't.
     
“Nice to meet you Bishop.  The choir is calling!  Salvation awaits!” Lucy shouted above the steadily rising volume of the song.  She danced away, moving with a skill and expression that even Ginger Rogers, Fred Astaire or Michael Jackson could only achieve if they were allowed to dance for 10,000 years.  Ellis could not stop watching her as she assumed control of the front of the bar, her arms lifted high in a call to the parishioners to join the worship call.  The energy in the bar reached levels that in 20 years of preaching, Ellis had never experienced.  Bodies moving, gyrating, twirling, flying to the hard driving beat and there at the front of it all, the most stunningly beautiful creature ever created by the will of God moving with an authority and defiance that seemed to energize the very universe itself.

     For the first time in his life, Bishop Charlie Ellis knew the true meaning of fear...


E.H.

Tony, Maynard and The Unbearable Lightness of Being...




     Tony found Maynard in the living room of Walter Pynchon’s destroyed apartment watching something odd on the TV.              
     “What are you watching?” Tony asked.             
     “Something called The Unbearable Lightness of Being,” Maynard replied dully.             
     His expression was fixed on the program.  He did not look at Tony.  That was Maynard, focused to the point of seeming "special."             
     Tony looked at Maynard for a really long time.             
     “No shit.  The Unbearable Lightness of Being, huh?”  Tony replied with an odd combination of sarcasm and genuine interest.             
     “Yeah,” Maynard said continuing to watch the TV.             
     Again, silence fell between them underscoring Tony’s gaze.             
     “Why are you watching The Unbearable Lightness of Being?”  Tony asked.             
     “It’s the only DVD dude has.  They broke the cable box,” Maynard replied still staring at the TV.             
     “True,” Tony said lightly.  “Are you enjoying The Unbearable Lightness of Being?”  Tony asked.  This time the sarcasm was straight up.             
     “Not really.  This guy, Tomas, tries to make it with every chick he meets, and this woman, Tereza, keeps trying to tie his ass down, and then the Russians start trying to take over Czechoslovakia, pissing everybody off,” Maynard reported, pointing at the TV as he did so.  He looked at Tony.  “That sounds like a cool story, but watching it is like waiting in the doctor’s office and lookin’ at magazines you don’t like, for a real long time.”             
     “Sounds like The Unbearable Lightness of Being should’ve had Kimmy Granger in it workin’ some powerhouse hardcore,” Tony offered.  He sat down on the couch next to Maynard and pulled a cigarette out of a box in his shirt pocket.  Something wooden, deep within the couch, weakened by rough treatment and unable to support any more weight, finally broke with a loud snap.  Not at all shocked by the sound, Tony tapped his cigarette several times on the face of his watch and put it in his mouth, but did not light it.             
     “Maybe, and Arnold with a rail gun blowing the shit out of a bunch a Russians.” Maynard said, his voice betraying a wish to see their version of the movie instead of this one.             
     The two men sat in silence and watched the remaining minutes of the DVD.Unseen by the men, an angel slowly navigating the wreckage littering the apartment, left the room, having already seen the movie.             
     “So, that was The Unbearable Lightness of Being, huh?”  Tony said, pretending to smoke his unlit cigarette.  “That was some boring shit.”  He stood, with some effort, from the broken couch.  He was a thin, muscular man, but physical fitness is no match for a floppy, broken couch.            
      Maynard was thick like a giant pit bull.  He tried to stand up from the couch, but fell back.  “Help me up, Tony,” he asked.  “They really did a number on this place,” he added looking around the room.            
      “I got a hold of Betty when I went to the Skip Mart for smokes.  The other body’s not here.”  Tony said flatly, as he helped Maynard up from the couch.  “I guess we better pack up the one in the bedroom.”             
     “I did it already,” Maynard said, a slight trace of sadness drifting through his deep voice.             
     "No shit, really?  I didn’t mean to be gone that long, you should’ve waited,” Tony said apologetically.             
     “It’s okay.  She was small.  I put her in there,” Maynard explained, pointing to a large suitcase by the door.  “I didn’t need the reciprocating saw.  She leaked a bit from both ends when I folded her up, but the new cleaning stuff worked real good.  I got the area around the bed and the wall.  I used the tracer and the black light on the rest of the place and it’s clean.  I used the sheets to wrap her in before I put her…” he said, his voice trailing off to some place far away from the apartment.             
     About six hours ago, she was really pretty, with warm, chocolate brown eyes.  Now she’s luggage, Tony thought, his mind struggling to digest all of this.  This job was the ass end of the Caprino family business.  Chasing the Grim Reaper and cleaning up after the enforcers was their challenge.  Sometimes the job left him with the feeling that all of his atoms were disconnecting slowly, barely holding a loose orbit just a slight distance from their normal position.  At times like this, he felt as though air passed through him.             
     “Tony, I know it’s a little out of the way, but would you mind if we took her to Elm Point?” Maynard asked.  Maynard, the eternal eleven-year-old kid turning forty next week sought some peaceful resting place for the stranger in the suitcase.  “It’s nice there.”             
     Tony’s atomic structure drifted quickly back into place rendering him solid again.  He studied Maynard for a moment.  This gig was it for the night.  Only a doughnut and a well-fed guinea pig named Al waited for him.  Elm Point was about twelve miles out of town, but it was pretty nice there.  A small lake spooned a beautifully manicured park like a sleepy lover.  Little kids fed ducks pieces of stale bread while joggers studied each other’s hot asses as they ran along the path by the lake.  Tony once enjoyed the blowjob of a lifetime on a bench there.  It was a good place.  However, it was not in the plan.  The incinerator at Trevor Memorial Hospital was in the plan.  “Where at Elm Point?” he asked.             
     “The new amphitheater.  The concrete work is still going on.  We could put the suitcase under one of the plywood support molds.  It’ll get covered over tomorrow.  Lenny’s the construction supervisor.  I’ll tell him to make sure and hit it first thing,” Maynard explained.  He had given this a fair amount of thought while watching the movie.  “Lenny’s never let us down.  He owes me a favor, anyway.”             
     The little voice in Tony’s gut that usually warned him of doom and stupidity was silent.  He mapped out the route to Elm Point in his mind.  It was actually a slightly safer move than the hospital.  The police didn’t routinely patrol the roads that connected the high-dollar neighborhoods on the way to the park.  As an added bonus, the boss would not know the location of the body and that was a good thing.  He was on to the incinerator.  If called on it, he would be lying when he denied his knowledge of the place.  This change in plans would spare the old man a sin.  “Sure,” Tony said.  “We’ll take her to Elm Point.  She’d probably have gone there for the concert schedule anyway.  She’ll have the best spot in the place now.”             
     Maynard started toward the suitcase, but Tony stopped him.  “I’ll get her,” Tony said.  “You did the hard stuff.”             
     She’s about a hundred even with the suitcase,” Maynard warned.            “I figured,” Tony said with a wink.             
     Together, cleaners and corpse moved to the door of Walt’s wrecked apartment.             
     “Hold up a sec,” Maynard said.  He moved quickly to the TV, ejected The Unbearable Lightness of Being from the DVD player, put the disc in its case and slipped the case into the inside pocket of his black, Armani jacket.             
     Tony, still holding the suitcase, winced at his odd partner.  “You enjoyed The Unbearable Lightness of Being, didn’t you?”             
     “Nah, I just didn’t get to check out the special features,” Maynard said, completely serious. 
  
  
  
E. H. 





You Scream, I Scream...

     Abbey’s fear smelled like blood freezing rapidly in an angry mist of Freon gas. Her temples pounded as she realized she was o...